Yesterday, not so much

Another day, another round of chemo.

Yesterday was round two of chemo. As I'd had a reaction to the taxotere the first time the oncologist decided that I'd do well with a double dose of decadron before I started the meds. She'd only seen one other reaction to taxotere and that premedication had served the patient well. So we tried. And failed. Miserably. Without belaboring the point I suffered from a very severe reaction to the med and it was decided that I must indeed have an allergy. So what now?

The doctor pointed out that I'd had two of the four rounds of chemo and maybe I would just want to quit now and go straight to radiation. After all with radiation the chance of recurrance was reduced to 7%, with the taxotere 3% but if I were to continue the new med, adriamycin would only reduce the rate of recurrance to 4 - 5% and was that worth the side effects. That's a lot of numbers and a lot of questions for someone with a foggy brain. With input from my sister I decided to carry on. I have only added one more appointment to my regimen, I was already bald, I had good insurance now and could go out of work on Family Leave of Absence (thank you Bill Clinton) and if I stopped now I could never change my mind and go back. However if I went forward and decided that the side effects were not worth the extra 2 % decline in my recurrance rate I could quit.

I came out of the office feeling confident in my decision. I explained the situation to friends and family and all agreed that it made sense. Until my life long friend came by to visit today and said she thought I should stop. After all the breast cancer was gone. Surgically removed. The treatments now were to give me the best possible shot at not having a metastasis within the next ten years. How could we know what would happen? She strongly felt that the risk/benefit ratio was not in my favor. Her mother had not had chemo post lumpectomy and had done fine. Others had also. Now my mind was in a tail spin. Was I going through all of this for the drama or for the peace of mind?

Late this afternoon I spoke with another friend and came to realize I could never live with myself if I stopped now and something happened. That every time something happened, anything happened I would be wondering if only ...

So I carry on...