Most days I feel as though I'm faking it. Really, how can I count myself amongst the fighting women warriors and breast cancer survivors? My cancer is only a stage 1. Why I have a much better chance of dying after having been hit by a train than from this cancer. I don't have to go weekly for treatments. My chemo regimen is stronger, lasts longer than some so I'm only required to have myself poisoned every three weeks. I've been able to work, although shorter hours. Why until today I had hair. How is it I can claim to have breast cancer, the same breast cancer which claims too many after a valiant fight if I don't have to fight valiantly?
Then I realize I'm not faking it, I'm hiding from it. I'm so busy pretending that this whole thing isn't happening that I won't allow myself the time to delve into what living with a breast cancer diagnosis means. I'm too busy reassuring everyone it's all gonna be okay, don't worry. The last thing I want is my family and friends to worry.
It's difficult to stradle the line between wallowing in the diagnosis and accepting it. So I have packaged it neatly away and go out the door every morning with a smile on my face wondering when acceptance is finally going to happen, when I'm going to cry and when I'm going to stop faking it.
PS this week's labs are wonderful. WBC's are 5.4 up from 4.6 last week. Still within normal range. Yeah leukocytes!
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You don't have to act brave for us, chica. OTOH, we don't want you to cower in a corner. There are good day, and not so good days, and we are all cheering for Team Carol!!!
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